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Writer's Block: Life Changes

Yes the economy sucks, but in my opinion its only because of the hiring freeze and inadequate/nonexistent health care for our fellow citizens. If you feel you're being targeted for being wealthy (500K ), you are, and congratulations you're successful and make shitload of money, but you're self indulgence will suffocate you if you don't see the truth. Is your worth and work ethic any less than a FDNY EMT starting at 31K? Or a sous chef working 60 hours a week for less than minimum wage with no health insurance???!!! We really need to step back and see how greedy and self indulgent we've become and almost take this economic struggle as an awakening. I have personally seen families struggle with our current state of affairs, but wake the fuck up people we desperately need health care reform! I feel like the same people that are against health care reform are the very people that need it the most. There aren't that many wealthy Americans, the majority are middle class across the board. We're not talking about lazy scheming people who want to work the government, these are hard working Americans, your neighbors, who feel into hard times. Can we unite like we seem to do in every other crisis? Because this is crisis mode for families who are stricken with the uncertainity of the future of their children, spouses/partners! Also while I'm here, fuck you Maine, way to take a step back??!!!

cock rings

I just watched Pump up the Volume thinking it would totally be a distant corny unrelated movie but it was very far from it. I'm so fucked up. Why am I always fucked up? I hope not to be one day but have lived so long with making it the norm. But then this cunt bitch tonight bought me back to reality, she was counting my drinks, mentally noting every slip up or misstep I made. I was frustrated because she was shaming me in front of my friends and husband and I had to reluctantly bit my lip because to attack her was exactly what she craved and expected. I just kept thinking how fucking dare you in front of my best closest friend for years call me out like some degenerate loser, she has know idea what we have gone through together. It made me cry afterwards because she got to me. This righteous ugly cunt got to me! It just killed me to not rip her apart and punch her in the stomach. People can be so presumptuous! I only pray God sees that.


Today the 20th of October started out like any other awful Monday consisting of showing up 30 minutes prior to my desk time, and disingenuously greeting my co-workers with their long awaited morning hello's>
by mid morning after my yogurt I was thoroughly enjoying a lush juicy Macintosh when it became painfully aware to me that there was a void in the disciplined lineup that was once my row of teeth! One slipped into the sidelines like a awkward girl on prom night (that will one day be a supermodel). All the sudden I was holding an infected disgrace of a tooth that used to make up a loyal toy solider of a lineup. Seems like our teeth don't give a fuck about structure and do whatever they please when they're uncomfortable/in pain/grossly infected. This motherfucker came out like a martyr, like it was his time to sacrifice for the greater good of the whole.
That was my morning.
The sun fell, and I was surprised with an even more disturbing play in the grend scheme of life. I tested positive again at my out-patient group. The report of a positive cocaine piss will make its way to my P.O. by the end of the week. Given that was my 4th dirty urine my P.O. has no choice but to report me to the great County of Suffolk, where I will have the same judge who bullheaded me into my current sentence of 3 yrs probation. My P.O. has assured me he will either send me to jail for 3 months an court appointed rehab, which both consist of an environment I will never be able to survive.
Farewell for now I guess. Hope to come back.

Beautiful day

It's one of those days I should be walking my dog in the woods or playing frisbee on the beach. But again, I find myself indoors with the windows closed, shades drawn, praying for sunset. I was just imagining myself playing frisbee on the beach, that will be the one thing that makes me laugh (and cringe) today.
I can't believe how lonely I feel lately. It's like you seriously wake up one day and you're friends have all disappeared. Where the fuck are you all? That's right, you all have successful jobs and beautiful families.
I'm currently in a out patient "treatment" program for drugs and alcohol. I don't think it's working because I swallowed about 15 vics last night. My stomach is empty and I feel skinny, and that has got to be the BEST high in the world! I'm mandated to go to treatment stemming from some legal issues, and a bad car accident I wish had just killed me. Tonight I'll get some Dog and hang out with the few remaining friends who will talk to me.
Good Morning! Aren't you glad you read this



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